it's okay.

I've had a really good week, and I'm happy. 

But lately when I'm alone, I get really sad, and I cry a lot. I miss the way things used to be, and I have a hard time believing that the future is going to be as fun and make me as happy as the past did. 

I went through every picture on my phone a couple of days ago. And I have had some dang good times. And as I looked through them, I cried. I don't talk to a lot of people in the pictures anymore, and I don't know what they've been up to lately. It is so weird and sad to me that people just stop. Stop talking, stop being friends, stop caring. And it makes me even more sad when I realize that not only do people stop, I stopped. 

But sometimes stopping is the only option we have. Some people aren't right for us, as much as we try to make it work. We really are better off without some people, even if we can't see it right now. And as hard as it is right now, all the tough stuff I'm going through now might all be worth it. 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm happy. But sometimes I am really really sad, and I guess that's just part of life.

And I guess it's okay. 

10.

So I'm definitely not on day 10 with the blog challenge and this is definitely the 10th one. But I vote I can do what I want (: 

10 people who have greatly influenced my life:

1. I bet you were wondering how much I could talk about this kid, and the answer is a lot. My little brother has influenced me way more than he knows. He is the perfect example of a positive attitude, and that is something I need help with. He is always laughing and joking and can brighten anyone's day. He has definitely had his fair amount of trials, but you wouldn't know it. He is so happy and forgiving, and I think those two things have to go hand in hand, and that is something he's learned. I love this kid more than anything. 

2. My mamma. I don't know a better person than my mom. She is beautiful, kind, hilarious, hard working, and all around amazing. She has really taught me what it means to be a loving wife and mother. I have learned more from her through her example than I learned in my 12 years at school. She does everything for me, and I know I take it for granted big time. I honestly don't know what I would do without her sense of humor and her advice. I love my mamma (: 

3. Here's another one I bet you thought I was done talking about. My best friend. Haylee has been there for me for as long as I can remember. She was my first friend at my new school back in the 3rd grade and I've done everything with her since then. You won't find a more fun, hilarious, fair person anywhere. We have different religious beliefs but not once has she ever made me feel judged or silly about what I believe. She has never been anything less than respectful about what I believe and I appreciate that about her more than she knows. She has taught me to be fair to everyone,  no matter what. She's my best friend and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

4. This is another kid I've known forever. I met Austin back in the 4th or 5th grade and he has never failed to make me happy when I'm said since. We've always been friends, but we got closer this past year. He's the one I turn to when I've had a bad day because he knows when I don't need to talk about something, but I do need my mind off it. He's taught me to listen when someone needs a listener, and to laugh about the hard things. I'm so so glad I've been able to spend so much time with him, because he's taught me way more than he knows. 

5. This is someone I haven't known for as long as I've known my other best friends, but I feel like I've known him forever. He was really there for me through absolutely everything for a little over a year. He was the first one I turned to with good news, or when I was sad, or when I just wanted to talk. He taught me that no matter how hard life can be, there is always a reason to be happy. He is one of the strongest people I know, and also one of the happiest. He taught me that sometimes you forgive people just because life is better when you're not holding a grudge. We had some of the best times I had my senior year together and I wouldn't trade the experiences we had or the things I learned from him for anything. 

6. Growing up, and especially through his high school years, me and my brother Jordan were never close. When he left on his mission, that's really the first time we talked and got to know each other, and it was all through letters. But since he's been home, we've been way closer and I realized what I've been missing out on all these years. He taught me so much through his experiences on his mission. He went to Russia, and nothing was ideal. But he never complained once, in all the two years. He was positive and so hard working and obedient. He gave 110% on his mission, and I can see the blessings he is still receiving from it. He is such a good example to me and I love him so much. 

7. I haven't known her long, but Kaylauni has taught me so much in such a short time. It amazes me every time I talk to her how positive she is. She can take any negative situation and make it seem like it's not even a big deal. She has showed me what it really means to be Christlike in everything she does. She has showed me what it means to really prepare for a mission in actions, instead of just talking about going. She is gonna be an awesome missionary, and I'm so glad I had the chance to get to know her. 

That is most definitely her in the suit ^^ 

8. My oldest brother has always been my hero, even though he doesn't know it. He has taught me that life isn't always going to be easy. In fact, sometimes it's going to be really hard. But it goes on, and good things will always come around again. He has taught me what the definition of hard work and dedication is, and I really look up to him for that. He has taught me what it really means to not be judgmental and to wholeheartedly accept everyone. He is always there for me and knows when I need some real advice or when to feed me exactly what I want to hear. I love him so so much and am so grateful for his example. 

9. a) My little brother Brandon has taught me to love unconditionally. He has the biggest heart and quickest smile of anyone I know. He can make me smile no matter what and can laugh at anything. He's showed me what it looks like to be truly happy. 

9. b) Derek has taught me to be determined. He has showed me that no matter what it is, if you want it enough, it's possible to achieve. He has also taught me to be dedicated in what I do. He works so hard on his piano and homework, and you won't find a smarter or more dedicated 11 year old anywhere. 

As you can probably tell, they're twins. And since I think they're the cutest ever, they get lots of pictures. 

10. Last, but most certainly not least. Shelby. She was my best best friend my junior year. And she made more of a difference on my life than I think she knows. We had our ups and downs, but really the only reason we ever didn't get along is because I was being a brat. And no matte what I did, she always took me back and forgave me. She taught me that friendship isn't about all the time you spend together, or how many inside jokes you have. It's about being there when your friend needs you, no matter how rude they were or how bad they made you feel. She taught me to listen and be a good friend and I love her so much for it. 

Note: my dad would most definitely make this list, as like the first or second person. But I just barely blogged specifically about him on Father's Day, so I figured that was good enough! 

happy happy happy 💜

Five things that make me happy right now: 

1. My best friend in this whole world can put me in a better mood no matter what. I saw her last night for the first time in a couple weeks and I haven't laughed that hard since the last time I saw her! 

2. My little brother. He is really so funny and he always knows what to say when I'm sad. I can tell him anything and we can do the stupidest things and have the best time. He's my favorite. 

3. The fact that the second Monsters Inc is in theaters right now. I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE IT. 

4. Last Sunday I got invited to 5 missionary farewells and 3 more throughout the week. From kids in my grade. It makes me so happy and proud that the mission age was changed and so many of the boys acted upon it and are going out. It's gonna be hard to say goodbye to the ones I'm close with, but there's nowhere else they should be. 

5. My family in general. Seriously I lucked out big time. It's not everyone who's related to their seven best friends. We have so much fun together and I love them more than anything!

16.

I missed day three because I'm the boss and didn't wanna do it (; but day four. 

Ten things I would tell my sixteen year old self: 

1. Go to the office right now and check out of CE chemistry. You get an F on the end of level anyways so none of it is worth it anyways. 

2. Don't limit yourself. Be friends with everyone, because you end up getting close with people you never would have expected. 

3. Do not go to Vegas with Jase on December 14. You get a 1500 dollar ticket and even after you get it reduced, it's a bih to pay off. 

4. Don't waste time on people that don't appreciate it. 

5. Go to freaking seminary every once in a while. You'll be happy when you're not doing 30 hours of restitution to graduate. 

6. Don't push away your friends when something goes wrong. Because when the stupid high school drama blows over, you're gonna miss the ones you let go. 

7. Get into work co-op at the beginning of your senior year. Because that extra hour and a half of sleeping in...👌 

8. The best nights are the ones that are completely unplanned. So don't worry too much about always have big plans. 

9. Go to all the dances and stomps and parties you think are gonna be stupid because that's what high school is all about. 

10. Basically just live it up because I honestly feel like I was 16 yesterday. 

scared to death.

Day 2: three things I am legitimately scared of. 

1. Going to college. I'll be honest, I was nothing but a big talker in high school. Saying how I couldn't wait to move out and go to college. Now that it's getting closer and closer, I can't believe how much I don't wanna go. I'm scared to leave my family, scared to love with people I don't know, scared to leave my friends and make new ones. I have to believe everything will turn out okay and I really will like it, but I don't wanna go. 

2. Losing a member of my family. I come from a really close knit family and I really do consider my brothers my best friends. I would be completely devastated if something happened to them. 

3. Change. I know I've talked about this a lot and this really goes along with number one. But I've got quite a solid routine in my life and when the boat rocks and something changes, I am not happy. I've had a really great life and I'm scared of it being any different than it has been for 18 years. 

day 1.

20 random things about myself: 

1. When I was little, I couldn't tie water balloons with my fingers. So I used my toes. 

2. I can blink super fast. One of those unique talents I'm not sure why or how I discovered. 

3. I wish on every 11:11 and shooting star I can. For the same thing. 

4. I work at Durangos and absolutely love it. 

5. I was one of those kids who couldn't wait to graduate, and now that I have I'm so sad about it. I wanna go back next year. 

6. Along with number 5, I'm terrified of moving away and going to college. I'm dreading the day. 

7. I can't wait until I have a niece or nephew that I can spoil. 

8. I could listen to Ron Pope for the rest of my life and be nothing short of satisfied. 

9. I have an unhealthy addiction to frozen dark chocolate covered bananas, saltines, and strawberry yogurt. 

10. When I was younger I wrote children's stories and I started writing a book. 

11. I played tennis and lacrosse in high school, and loved both. But tennis was my favorite by far. 

12. One time I went through a carwash on top of the car. 

13. I love to talk and think about old times, even though it makes me sad sometimes. 

14. I am the only girl in my family and have five brothers. And I absolutely would not have it any other way. 

15. Nobody knows this because it's kinda freaky, but the gazebo in the cemetery is the place I go when I wanna be alone. 

16. I usually remember my dreams really vividly. 

17. I google Mayday Parade lyrics a lot because I really think they're so profound. 

18. I don't watch tv. But I spend more than my fair share of time on twitter and Instagram and such. 

19. I'm one of those kids who sleeps with a blankie every night. 

20. I can't have somebody walk up the stairs behind me. It gives me anxiety like crazy. 

30 days.

As much as I love posting rants and only rants, I thought I'd like to try something with a little more structure. Some of these are beyond stupid in my opinion, so I'll skip those. 

And here we go. 

favorite things.

Lake Powell  is my favorite ever because everything we do is so simple. And I love it. 

We all get to spend time together and do things we don't have time for at home. Just small things like playing a good old fashioned game of scum. 

Also it gives me a chance to show my photographer side (; but seriously how awesome is this? Being able to go out on the boat whenever we want is so fun. 

It also gives me the chance to do the things I love to do but never have the chance to. 

This one doesn't even need explaining. I love it. 

I'm so glad we have the chance to come out here every year. I wouldn't trade the traditions and good times we have out here as a family for anything. 

not to be obnoxious.

Things are about to get really cliche really fast. But I'm just feeling blessed today. And I've been thinking about everything happening in my life all day and I've come to one conclusion. We are all pretty freaking blessed. Today was day one of my favorite traditional Lake Powell trip.

 I guess there's just something about being out at the lake on a 70 foot long boat with your entire family that makes you feel happy. 

One guarantee of Lake Powell though is a lot of thinking time. And you better believe I did a whole lot of thinking today. 

Life is a tricky thing. I think that I underestimate what it can throw at me sometimes. But one thing I've noticed about myself is that when something bad is going on, I'm ALWAYS thinking about it. No matter what I'm doing, my mind always wanders to the wrong in my life. And honestly, it's sick. That is absolutely not what this life is intended to be. 

Whenever I'm faced with a trial I just can't wait until it blows over and my life can return to 'normal'. But what I don't think I've ever realized is everyone's normal is different and maybe what I think my life needs to return to isn't good for me. 

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this but what I do know is I need to accept where I'm at, wherever that is. I can't wait for my life to return to what it was because then I'm not progressing. And that's what life is about. Taking the experiences I've been dealt and building on them. I can't do that if I'm living in the past. But at the same time, I can't live in the future either, if that makes sense. It's okay to look forward to things, but I can't wish away my time. 

Because if there's one thing I've learned it's that everything is unpredictable. 

And life goes by so dang fast. 

dad.

I know everyone says it, but I really do have the best dad. And I think it says something when half the community would back me up on that. 

I know that sometimes I take him for granted, but when I step back and think about everything he does for me and my family I really am amazed. 

He is the best coach, hardest worker, and has the biggest heart of anyone I know. 

So here's to all the fathers on Father's Day. 

I love you dad, and wouldn't trade you for the world. 

truthfully.

I've always known this about myself, but it's become more obvious to me since I graduated. Honestly, I hate getting close to people. I guess I never really saw the point. The way I see it, the closer you let someone, the more power they have over you. And unfortunately, sometimes people abuse that power. And why get close when you eventually say goodbye to everyone? There are those people that grow to mean so much and then all of the sudden you wake up and they're no longer a part of your life. See, closure is the most important thing in the world for me and if I just drift away from the people I am close to, then there is no closure. These are the things that make it hard for me to completely enjoy the relationships I have with people. 

I recently shared these thoughts with my best friend. 

He basically voiced what I guess I've always known. It's wrong to think like this. We grow close to people, we have our heart broken as we drift apart from people we thought we'd be friends with forever, and eventually we get over it. We replace the people we never thought it would be possible to replace. And that's just life. 

All this being said, I think it's only fair to say that I have met some pretty amazing people and I wouldn't change a thing, as cliche as that is. I've learned what I needed to learn from the people that were sent to me to teach me lessons. I really am grateful for all the people currently in my life, and those who have left. 

It's just that sometimes moving on sucks. 

first things first.

                   Hey, I'm Jessica. 

     Before you get any further than this, I think it's only fair that you know this is my first attempt at a blog. Unless you count my awkward and embarrassing attempt in the seventh grade, which I don't. I hope that fact doesn't become too painfully obvious. 

The second thing I think you should know is that I absolutely love my life. Regardless of anything I ever say, I wouldn't trade a single one of my experiences for anything. 

And the third thing you should know is I love love love pictures. And truth be told, this is probably going to be more of an online scrapbook than anything. Fair warning. 

I'm hoping a get better at this, but who even knows. Stick around and I guess we'll find out!